So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
