I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
