my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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