When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
