Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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