I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
