How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
