there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
