My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
