i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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