saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
