I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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