Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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