I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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