I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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