Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
