I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
