Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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