i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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