i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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