my phone needs a breathalizer
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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