my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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