He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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