i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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