the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
