yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
