Umm I'm too high to move.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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