you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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