god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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