youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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