I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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