At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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