do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
