I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
