I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
