Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
