a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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