I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
