You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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