I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I forgot how hot balto sounded
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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