Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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