woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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