there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
