Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
