Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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