just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
