There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
