he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
