alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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