I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
we're so committed to being not committed
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
