I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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