Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
