I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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