It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
