smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
